


Things We Meant to Say

by commandershakarian



Series: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Longing, Separation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 08:42:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22368421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commandershakarian/pseuds/commandershakarian
Summary: As Revan waits for the dawn and with it, her coming battle with the Sith Emperor, she ponders what her last words to her husband might be, their separation too real now that death is on the horizon.
Relationships: Canderous Ordo/Female Revan
Series: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/698912
Kudos: 12





	Things We Meant to Say

**Author's Note:**

> “I am trying to write a poem in which I am neither a monster nor a martyr” -Kevin Kantor

T3-M4 circled the cave again, wheels echoing against the walls of the small cave. The little astromech was worried about the next day’s events. It wasn’t every day that someone attempted to kill an Emperor. Yuehai Xun, known infamously as Revan, sat upon the cold ground, her legs crossed beneath her as she attempted to focus on mediating. She had to be prepared for the morning, for what would come. Unfortunately, her mind was too distracted by her companions.

Wren Sloane, her friend and former General in the Mandalorian Wars, was practicing her lightsaber skills. The yellow glow from the energy blade illuminated their shelter, casting eerie shadows along the stone. Her long chestnut hair was pulled back out of her face and into a braid that swayed with each movement she made. Revan couldn’t see Wren’s eyes, but she knew the green of them even in the dark. They would show a fierceness that many Jedi tried to deny, but for Wren, it was what she lived for. She was willing to sacrifice everything, even her life, to make sure the Republic would be safe. Revan wished she could say the same. She had an entirely different reason for being here.

Their companion, a Sith by the name of Scourge, was staring out of the cave’s entrance, his back to the two former Jedi as if they didn’t exist. She was sure that he probably wished it so. Revan would rather be anywhere else if she was honest. She especially wished to be back home on Coruscant with Canderous beside her, their tiny son learning how to hold his first blaster, or if he was Force sensitive, learning how to master his powers.

This world from her nightmares, Dromund Kaas, with its lightning storms and suffocating presence of the dark side, was somewhere she wanted to be far from. The electricity buzzed through her body and set her nerve endings on fire. She tried to forget the last time she’d been here, when the Emperor had dominated her mind and broke her. She wouldn’t let him break her again. She was stronger now and she would die before she was used again.

Revan could still smell blood upon the dirt beneath her, tasting it on her tongue with every breath she took. It would have bothered her if her mind wasn’t elsewhere. Focusing on the sound of Wren’s lightsaber, Revan reached out through the force, hoping that wherever he was, Canderous would be able to feel her. He might have not been force sensitive, but the two of them were connected beyond that. There was love, of course, but there was also respect, admiration, perhaps a little fear and awe of the other. They had been enemies, friends, lovers. There was no relationship deeper than the one they shared.

Revan conjured an image of Canderous in her mind: his strength, his resilience, his courage. The fire in his eyes. The way he would smile when in a dangerous situation. How his eyes would soften for just a moment whenever she looked at him…

Revan had to refocus as emotion swelled in her chest at the memory of her husband. She missed him more than she cared to admit. She’d left him behind to stop the threat that loomed in the Unknown Regions and she would see it done. If he was here with her, maybe she would feel more at ease going against her foe. She didn’t doubt those with her, even if Scourge’s reasons were suspect. They were more than capable. She only wished that she hadn’t stopped Canderous from joining her. He hadn’t been happy about being left behind-

She was losing focus. She’d had this argument with herself many times before. Canderous had to stay behind. He had to lead the Mandalorians, and more importantly, he had to protect their son. Satisfied with her decision, she pushed all ramblings from her mind, allowing the force to flow through her. She pulled Canderous’s image back into her mind.

With the energy she was willing to sacrifice, she made one attempt to contact her husband. She had to let him know everything that she didn’t get to say before she’d left.

_ Canderous.  _

_ I don’t know if you can feel this through the force, but I need you to know: I fight an immensely powerful evil and I don’t think I am coming home.  _

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ I don’t say that often, but know that I mean it.  _

_ I’m sorry for abandoning you, for protecting the Republic even if they don’t deserve it, but I’m not doing this for them. It’s for you. It’s for our son. It’s for the future you will build with the Mandalorians.  _

_ I know that you can make it without me. You are strong. You are Mandalore.  _

_ "We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors." _

_ I love you, Canderous. _

Revan broke her connection to the force, feeling winded despite the power that pulsed through the planet. Opening her eyes, she found Scourge staring at her from across the cave. She hadn’t sensed him turn, but then she hadn’t been paying attention to him at all. The expression on his face was one of uncertainty and if she was the type of person to believe in bad omens, she would have shivered.


End file.
